Saturday, November 25, 2006
10:03 PM
Wactched the last and final episode of Charmed yesterday. OMG! The show rox to the core! So many people returned to film it, including my fave guy Drew Fuller. He's so...gorgeous. 4 Generations of Halliwell gathered together to defeat Billie and Christy. Penny, Petty, Victor, Piper, Phoebe, Paige, Wyatt, Leo, Chris...oh...the feeling of seeing so many Halliwell members is so overwhelming. But I think the plot is rather lame...like Billie killed her own sister. It feels like the idea of travelling back in time is rather redundant. Nevertheless, the ending closes with a heart-warming scene, where Piper and Leo grew old and have grandchildren. I've recorded the the show and hope to watch it over and over again. Channel 5 should seriously consider to broadcast all the 8 seasons again. Starting from the very beginning, the formation of the Power of Three. I so want to see how Prue died.
AJ Band had a tune-in session today...I think it's quite fun. I feel I'm starting to bond with the people there, especially my section members. My seniors there are caring, like Sue Lynn and Hui Min. They don't make me feel like I'm some kind of outcast member...so...yup. Hope that my results are good enough for me to continue staying in that JC.
But before I ask God for that, I think I need to do some serious reflection about my actions. I felt so guilty about it that if there was a confession session, I don't think I would reject it. Must go ask for forgiveness...I seriously promise not to do it again next week. Lol...=X
no words can express
my love for you
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
11:25 PM
This is the first time I've been out of the house for more than 12 hours straight. I know more or less how band practices are like...especially since I've had them in AMK before. I was already out of the house at about 8 plus, had to report to school for this O Level briefing, only to find out it was a waste of my time since I wasn't eligible for the PAE exercise as I'm already under another scheme- DSA. So I had no PIN number what-so-ever printed on the sheet of paper...but hey! I'm still blithe. Because this is the first time I'm awarded a Silver for my CIAA award. Cool huh...I've been seeing "browns" for the past 2 years...so, yup, it's rather an improvement.
And it's confirmed! I've scored A1 for my CCA. This is despite the fact that I'm not a leader or anything...for me, an A1 is an A1. Whether it's a borderline score or way beyond that. So I've earned 2 bonus points...hopefully I score below 20.
After that, I headed straight to AJ for band practice. From 11pm-1pm, I had "sectionals" with a J2 senior, Sue Lynn. I said "sectionals" because we spent most of the time talking and chatting rather than really blowing our instruments. I think she's rather fun...and lame =D, ha ha!
Then it was lunch and we went to AMK Central's MOS Burger. Resumed practice at about 3 plus...and it was all the way to 7 plus. I was half dead by the time I reached home...just in time to catch 5 minutes of the ending of Goong. Luckily I taped the whole show. But I think if I carry on like this, I'm not sure if my body can really endure the gruelling schedule. Considering I still have to make my presence in church choir practices, Sunday Service committments as well as piano lessons a week.
However, I think such a hectic schedule can also be looked upon as a blessing in disguise. If I work myself until I'm half dead, then I wouldn't find the time and energy to contemplate on other things...to think about things that inflict pain on my heart, thoughts that bring tears to my eyes the moment I reflect on them.
I'm looking forward to year end...December will come...and a new year will begin. I would want to start this year afresh...but yet, I'm afraid of leaving my friends...people that I know, that shared so much together with me. Feli, Elaine, Rach, Sal, Le Ying, my flute section juniors, my 2/5 and 4/5 classmates. I just loathe knowing new people, to start with the same stupid questions like "Where are you from?", "Hi, I'm Candice!", all these introductions. On the controversy, I know that if the old don't go, the new don't come.
So I've come out with a resolution: WHY CAN'T I KEEP THE OLD AND EMBRACE THE NEW? I WANNA HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT! AND I WILL!!
no words can express
my love for you
Monday, November 20, 2006
11:06 AM
Totally fell in love with song...Christina has such strong vocals...able to really portray out the emotions...this, is the quality of a true singer...=P
Hurt
By Christina Aguilera
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were
But I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything
I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day,
I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away
Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time
I'm sorry for blaming you for everything
I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
By hurting you
no words can express
my love for you
Sunday, November 19, 2006
10:26 PM
Is it better to have a few good friends who could understand you inside-out, upside-down? Or to have plenty of people revolving around you, making you popular but are not around when you actually need their help?
It sux, it totally sux. I can't believe this is happening to me. We were so close together during chalet, where both of us first met. It's like, we clicked rather well. This is also the first time I was able to socialise or talk so comfortably with a guy. After that, we shared countless smses, phone calls and even talks when we met during our Sunday school time. Then he too left, in 2004. That year was the most ugly year of my life. Many people left the church. They were either migrating to other countries or transferred to other churches with no rhyme or reason. Maybe there was a motive behind it but I just couldn't comprehend. So we went our separate ways...occasionally catching up on MSN.
Sometimes I wonder if the invention of MSN was beneficial or otherwise. Because more and more people are prone to chatting with the "computer" instead of actually using the phone to communicate. To me, I'd rather Singapore lack this software. If anything, just call. At least I can hear the person's voice. We chat more online than using the telephone. Messages were also reduced, from a few a week to practically none right now. In fact, when I was so deeply hurt one time, he wasn't there when I needed him.
I couldn't accept his justification of leaving his phone at home. How was I to know that he was inaccessible that day? I was so upset I didn't know what to do. It was my fault, for letting his name flit through my mind. I've learnt my lesson. Next time, I will never call him no matter how troubled I am.
Friends of the same gender are more realiable as your pillars of support as well as shelter and refuge. There are some exceptions, of course, from the other gender. But for me, I'm still on the prowl for such friends...
no words can express
my love for you
Saturday, November 18, 2006
12:03 AM
Ok, IT'S FINALLY THE END OF O LEVELS!! To me, the 2006 Sec 4 batch has already graduated...and most importantly, I'm still in one perfect piece even after the terrible week.
5th day (Tuesday)
So it's A-Maths paper 1. I must say it's rather ok, considering I managed to score full marks for the last question, and many other questions as well. In fact, I was contemplating that paper 2 would be harder because this paper is much better than the usual TYS standard. Headed home to prepare for Chemistry and History my impending Physics paper. Daddy said he wanted to go through with me but I refused. I mean, what for? It's not even in my R5. Might as well save the ones that got more hope.
6th day (Wednesday)
The Physics paper sux. I don't even know how to do most of them. Especially paper 2. I didn't even do the Either Or question. So, all in all, about 20 marks for paper 2 just flew out of my grasp. I'd be happy if I can even score a C6 for it. People keep telling me that it was easy, since the last part was logic gates. But I think it's so difficult. I was like- what the hell is "thermal equilibrium"? So, there you are...Physics just sux the world out of me.
7th day (Thursday)
I knew it! A-Maths paper 2 WAS more challenging compared to the first paper. RV definitely came out. So it was a loss of 5 marks immediately for me. The first question already stunned me. They gave this: If f(x)= x + 2 and g(x)= x³, find the composite function of x³+ 2. If I'm not wrong, I did come across such a question at TYS. I didn't do it straight away though, because I just couldn't recall how to do it. So I headed to do other questions and then returned to question 1. True enough, I did manage to find a bit of inspiration so I managed to save 3 marks. Actually, it's 8 marks. Initially, I didn't know how to solve question 7, the tangent to the curve thingy. But the minute the supervisor said "Stop!", it hit me on the head and within 3 minutes, I wrote down my answer, writing like crazy despite his numerous shouts to me. But I couldn't care less, if his shoutings could earn me another 5 marks, why not?
Then it was Chemistry Paper 1. Again, the first question left me shocked. I was wondering- why do examiners like to stunned people with the first question? It gradually got better at the later part. Hopefully, I can score because Chem is part of my R5. Apparently, my hopes were extinguished when it came to paper 2. Oh my goodness! Only miracles can save me now.
While everyone was shouting for joy and screaming their heads off, I still had another paper to go for the next day.
And it was at this time Rachel dropped the bomb on me. Its effect was even worse than any nuclear or atomic bomb one can ever imagine. It totally tore my whole heart asunder. I've never felt so heartbroken before. I was in no mood to memorise anymore History facts. For the whole night, Rach's words rang through my mind. The "best" part is, I couldn't do anything about it even if I knew. I was useless...all I could do was to lie there and cry, hoping something would happen. Obviously nothing is going to change this fact! =(
Last day (Friday)
Yipee!! It's finally the last day!! BUT...the History paper sux totally! Inference didn't come out, ok, so it did. But it was about the purpose of the source. DAMN! And United Nations popped out! Ahh!!! It didn't come out for the past 4 years. Why?? That stupid chapter has so little information, there's practically nothing to write about. So I was left with no choice but to crap my way through to answet the other question, on Chapter 3. Luckily I studied that. Wanted to do Cold War one, but then...don't know what the hell question (b) was talking about...sometimes I just wish they would write in simple English so that a dumbo like me could comprehend it.
So I found myself sitting on the MRT on the way to Sembawang 30 minutes later, peering out of the window and staring at the scenery in awe like some kind of "swa ku" (country bumpkin). It's like I've never sat the MRT for ages, since...October? It's only the bus that I take to and from school. Borrowed some lovely Charmed books for reading leisure too...
SHIT! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY HOLIDAY'S TOTALLY RUINED! AJ just called to say they're starting practices next Tuesday...from 9 to 7!!! AH!! I'm sad just thinking about this. I certainly did not strive to complete my Os to suffer during the holidays...damn it!! Hopefully God will provide me with a leeway and some breathing spaces in such a hectic schedule.
no words can express
my love for you
Friday, November 17, 2006
8:56 AM
Today is the last paper of O Levels, History. But I'm totally in no mood to study. I wanna vent all my anger in this post. So please bear with me...
YOU'RE SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE BEAST! Loathesome, abhorrent, abominable, vile, repugnant, disgusting, vicious...the sum of all this words are still unable to describe you. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME??? 3 years...I've held my passion for you for 3 years...even after you've left. It's ok if you remain single, because I can continue living in my fantasy world with the mindset that you belong to me, only to me. Now? You belong to someone else, your eyes only shimmer for her, everything you do, you do it for her, only she can give you true happiness. My passion for you is not reciprocated at all!
My friends keep persuading me to confess. But I know I can't. You wanna know why? Because if I follow my heart and do it impulsively, lots of people will be involved. My family, not to mention yours, even all the people around me will be implicated. Most importantly, if I face rejection, I will not be able to take it!
Despite the fact we live miles away, I continue to pray to the Lord every night for your safety. When you were in NS, I prayed to Him that the commanders weren't too harsh to you as I heard of the horror stories from my schoolmates. I asked the Lord to protect you from all the "ghosts and pontianaks" that might be lurking around in the night.
Just the sight of the signal popping out from the right hand bottom corner of screen, indicating you came online, made my heart flutter. But I could only gaze forlornly at the chatbox, the always-empty chatbox. Because I know you will never greet me first. I could never summon the courage to type a "Hi" inside.
I don't know why I could fall for you so much, I don't know much about you, but it was just so mysterious. I'm always invisible in your eyes, and am fading away ever since you left. Now, I think I have totally disappeared from your world- out of sight, out of mind. I cried and cried upon receiving this devastating news that you've found your "one".
I've decided to let go, for real this time. You were the only one who could instill a sense of euphoria in me. But I've finally understood...it actually ended long ago when you left. But I still clung on...reluctant to release you. It was my foolishness who led me to my downfall. It's OK, I can finally accept what you've done to me and to let go. Maybe some time later, we might meet again, and all my hatred for you have dissipated...but till then, let me learn how to continue living bravely...
no words can express
my love for you
Friday, November 10, 2006
9:51 PM
Alas...the ardous journey of one week has come to a past. And...I have one more week to go. I shall now take a break for today to actually do some serious reflection on my performance.
1st day (Monday)
E-Maths paper was ok...but I don't think I have much confidence in it. What's worst is that I FAILED TO COMPLETE QUESTION 1d OF THE SS PAPER!!! WHY???? I STILL HAVEN'T MASTERED THE SKILL OF TIME MANAGEMENT!!! And Mrs Ismail still gave me a pat on the back, telling me she has confidence in me that I'll score A. NOW?? CRAP!!! But I was stunned merger came out. Luckily I flunked my Prelims. In fact, even though I used to loathe Mrs Ismail and bore a grudge towards her for causing my failure, I'm actually thankful to her now. Because I went through with her the question and even memorised how she concluded and priortise. So...I actually "pasted" everything into the paper about independence being the most important reason, that Singapore must first be recognized as a sovereign state...blah blah blah...The second question was just asking whether it's a blessing or disaster. Another TYS question that I copied. So there you are, I could say I'm more confident in essay than source-based. Now it all depends on moi's history. Go girl!!
2nd day (Wednesday)
The paper that instills the most fear in me. That's because it's more than just inveting a stupid story. But IT'S THE STYLE AND LANGUAGE AND USE OF VOCAB THAT EXAMINERS LOOK FOR!! And I'm bad at that...I'm not able to construct variable sentence, use fanciful and verbose words to impress the "Ang Mohs". Shit! The minute I opened the paper, I was flabbergasted at the word "Dreams". It never occured to me in my freaking life that there is actually some things to write about. So? I can prepare to flunk this paper...BUT NO!! I DON'T WANNA FAIL ENGLISH! AH!!!
Then it was comprehension. The passage was much easier to comprehend compared to Prelims...(Star Wars? Uggh!). It was about pollution...so yup...I'm afraid of summary because I screwed it up. GOD! DON'T LET ME FAIL ENGLISH!! I WANNA GO ANDERSON!!
3rd day (Thursday)
We had Biology that day, both Papers 1 and 2. Multiple choice was tricky...like...they asked you to choose the two parts that cover the pupil of the human eye. If it's just human eye, I would have immediately chose conjunctiva and sclera. But no! They said "PUPIL". Ah...that's way I need to think for a moment. I was confused, bewildered, in a quandary. But I still put the choice of conjunctiva and cornea. After checking with my friends, I guess most of the questions are correct...I could probably score 35/40? Hopefully...
Paper 2 was more demanding. They asked about cataract. I was like...cataract? Hmm...studied about it in Sec 2 Geog, but forgot about it. Luckily they elaborated that it causes lens to blur. So crap here and there, can at least produce a length required for a 4 mark question...lol...Essay was more straight forward...they don't go about the bush, so I sort of "vomitted" everything I painstakingly memorised...it felt so good...like a huge boulder off my shoulders. Wishing fervently that the examiners will mark leniently. I must score an A for Bio...it's part of my R5!!
4th day (Friday)
Whew...a sign of relief overwhelmed me...I'm halfway through this battle!!! E-Maths paper was OK, like all the TYS standard...except one question. It's trigonometry, but in the form of a 3D diagram. DAMN IT! And I was praying last night not to come out with 3D figues. I'm bad at visualizing them...ha! They hit the "bingo" spot on me. Oh...there's also the number pattern thingy...I was trying to figure out 2 questions. But they're so time-consuming. Mdm Teng's words rang in my mind: Knowing sequence is a discontinuous variation, it's either you know it or you don't, no need to waste so much time on it...that made me proceed to other questions that require more of attention.
Headed to Mos Burger for dinner after that long 2 and a half hours of thinking and utilizing my brain juice. Saw Mediacorp artise Chen Hui Hui promoting the opening of her new boutique- Static at the heart of AMK Central. She was talking but it was ironic that the crowd was so scarce, like no one was interested in her like that. I bet if it was some Hollywood actress like Tyra Banks or Leonardo Dicaprio or even Twins, the whole of AMK would be swamped by fanatics.
Didn't know Mrs Veda was taking 851 also. She gave me a shock when she sat next to me. So I showed her my Bio paper MCQ, and she reaffirmed my answers...so that boosted my confidence to an even higher level. I'M PLACING MY HOPES ON YOU BIO! DON'T FAIL ME...
Resting for one day before I continue for another 3 days of cramming...it just scares me that History, A-Maths and Chem is next week. These are my killer subjects.
God bless me...cheerio and all the best to all the peeps going through the tormenting period together with me! =D
no words can express
my love for you